Acquire specificity to your necrontology’s temporality and enjoy sustenance!

What is Mail-Order Seed Potato Death Clock?

Mail-Order Seed Potato Death Clock is a potato, sent to your home address through the United States Postal Service (continental only), with postage affixed directly to the potato (see below for details on USPS shipping policies). Further, written onto the flesh of the potato is a future date; using an evolving and pseudo-algorithmic system of estimation, disInc. tabulates a date upon which we ask the investor to choose to believe that they will die.

While disInc. cannot guarantee that the investor will die on the provided date, we believe that an awareness of such a date will radically diminish the ability of the investor to maintain aspirations of immortality.

What will it cost me?

Investors may pay any dollar amount they wish, though we ask that investors consider their own financial circumstances and those of disInc. before determining what they would like to pay. Each Mail-Order Seed Potato Death Clock costs disInc. roughly $10 in parts and labor. If you have questions or concerns about disInc.’s solvency, don’t hesitate to contact us.

Historical Context

The United States Postal Service, pursuant to its own Publication 52: Hazardous, Restricted, and Perishable Mail, section 5, subsection 56, declares that “plants and plant products are mailable within the United States and its territories and possessions” so long as they are, per subsection 53, “presented in a dry (not dried) condition”. Therefore, it is well-established that the raw russet seed potato, if affixed with the appropriately metered postage and inscribed with an existing address, must be accepted and delivered by USPS, imbuing the potato with access to the nation’s most infamous parcel distribution service.

The seed potato itself, as differentiated from potato seeds, is an organic object that is capable of creating genetically identical clones of itself by using its own innards as a source of fuel, gradually fluidifying while the traces of its corpse emerge as jaunty and disgusting sprouts. It should not be neglected that the potato performed a tremendous role in the onset of the industrial revolution, its cultivation aiding in the greater-than-doubling of the population of Irish peasants between 1780 and 1840, who, dispossessed of their land by British imperialists and in need of a versatile source of sustenance, adopted the potato as their savior; these peasants would go on to serve as cheap labor in the factories of Manchester following the Great Famine.

Ingredients List:

appropriate postage and home address

organic russet potato

your predicted date of death